Mother’s Day is this coming weekend. It is a nice day to celebrate the female figures in one’s life. Restaurants are busy. Hallmark is bringing in the bucks. Florists are arranging like madmen.
I am not a fan of Mother’s Day. Not because of weird mom issues that I may or may not have. Or because I don’t feel that the important women in my life deserve a day like this. I am not a fan because I am not a mother. To me, Mother’s day is a bit of a slap in the face.
I have mentioned vaguely in previous posts that Ed and I could not have kids. This is a topic that many people find awkward and too personal. It is very understandable. I would wish infertility on no one, ever.
Now before we get too far into this, PLEASE do not feel bad for me! I am truly okay. The universe had a plan and it is working out okay thus far. I have got this aunt thing down and I can sleep in on the weekends. But I can’t say that it is not difficult at times.
Ed and I had discussed having a family from the beginning. The dream was to have two boys. Names were always up for debate, but we both wanted to have sons. And he would have made a great dad, this I have no doubt.
We started trying to get pregnant a year or so after we got married. The standard rule is if you are not pregnant after a year of actively trying, you then can seek medical intervention. I think that some people think the actively trying part is fun, why complain? Yes, obviously it isn’t all horrible. But it is more than just the sex. There are thermometers and calendars involved. And it is always on your mind. I mean ALWAYS! So after about a year we did seek medical intervention. And let me tell you that process is stressful and expensive. I won’t get into the actual procedures and medications; the poking and prodding. We worked on this with my local OB/GYN for several months and then we went to see the big guns- a reproductive endocrinologist.
For those that have never been through this process, basically a RE is the last hope. They are the ones that will do an IVF- In Vitro Fertilization, etc. Or what we learned, where the big money goes. One visit to the very nice clinic an hour and half away, and we both knew that we were not going to go any further. It was partly a fiscal decision and partly an emotional decision on my part. It had just gotten to be too much.
One thing, that I neglected to mention was that somewhere in this previously mentioned time line, I had an ectopic pregnancy. All was fine, we caught it early, no surgery needed. But that was the glimmer of hope.
The entire process was unbelievably emotionally devastating and at a certain point your heart just tells you “I can’t do this anymore!” I can remember the exact moment that this happened. I was at work looking at fertility statues on-line and it hit me. ENOUGH! I remember calling Ed and telling him that I didn’t want to try anymore. I think that he understood and decision was made. That was it. If by some small chance, we ever get pregnant then great, and if we don’t then great. We will make it work.
I can tell you that this was about 10 years ago, that we went through all of this journey. And it has gotten easier. There are moments when I see Ed playing with one of our nephews, that I am a little sad. But I have come to realize that being an aunt was probably more my calling. I love my nieces and nephews more than anything. I get to be proud of them. I get to be part of their world. I get to celebrate the things that parents do. I car pool. I run children to practice. I am involved in fundraisers. I have been on field trips. I buy clothes. BUT I am not obligated. I do it all out of love. The bonus is, I get to sleep in. I get to stay up late. My DVR is mine. I can buy myself a $100+ purse without worrying about a child not having shoes. It is a fine line, but one that I love. And through it, I met one of my best friends in the world, because of an online bulletin board of people going through the same thing. You got to love fate, I tell ya!
Now, I am sure some of you are thinking “Why not adopt?” Yes, I realize that this is a great option. We have discussed it. But for me, it was not something that I wanted. Having a family with Ed, was about it be a part of us. And this probably does sound very, very selfish on my part. Maybe it is. But, working in the social services field, I have seen the difficulties and I cannot set myself up for heartbreak. I can’t expect anyone to really understand this. And the beauty is, well, you don’t have to.
Again, please don’t feel bad. This was not a post to garner sympathy. Fate had a plan. I have two incredibly spoiled Dachshunds, that have a “mom.” And I have seven amazing nieces and nephews out there. Life ended up being good. Things do not always work out they way that we thought that they should. And we do not always understand why at the time, but there is always a reason.
I still get the look, usually from an older client at work who asks if I have children. It is a look of pity for the lady with no kids. I have learned that this is something that I will deal with for the rest of my life. I still hear that my mother-in-law complains to other people that we never had children and we won’t adopt. Some people will never understand.
So, this Mother’s Day, remember all the important women in your life. They have had some influence on you. Moms, grandmothers, aunts, your BFF’s mom. Who knows. Send them some love and light. Of if they are the type, an Effie Trinket Barbie doll, because that is what my nieces got me. And I couldn’t be happier!